I sat on my closet floor for 30 minutes this morning. My closet is my war room. It’s the one place I can disconnect my mind from all the distractions for a few moments. However, even that has become difficult. As I sat on the floor, I just whispered. “God help me”. “ I need you”.
I am depleted. I am mentally exhausted. The enemy has been trying to attack me over and over. I recognize this reality, and I am fighting the battle. I am in constant prayer and discussion with God, and constantly asking Jesus to take control. I surrender my life, my existence, to Jesus every single morning. I trust God with all my heart. He created me, He saved me. I live for God, first and foremost. Everything I do, I ask for guidance, wisdom, and direction. I prepare myself every single day, for whatever God has in store for me.
In theory, this should be enough, correct? However, my flesh is struggling. I’ve always been honest with my audience. And my honesty today is that I am really struggling. I know I am not the only one. These times are strange, confusing, and difficult. Every day is a challenge. For me, I’ve had zero rest. My nonprofit, Light of Hope, is serving our community in an emergency status. While other people have been quarantined, restricted, or confined, I’ve been on the forefront. We are feeding the masses through our food pantry, and our involvement in the USDA food box program. That is taking an entire team of volunteers to implement. Our support group programs, school drug education programs, and classes are having to be re-created, and new programs are having to be implemented. Everything we do is volunteer. we don’t get paid, and we work tireless hours. We rely on donations from our community, and the reality is, everyone is holding tight to their own money to prepare for the future. That means donations are not coming in. This puts stress on me, and an emotional struggle as well. The needs of our community are incredible, and we have to provide help. I cannot stand the thought of anyone going hungry. I cannot stand the thought of depression, isolation, addiction, and anything that hinders hope. Therefore, I will do whatever it takes to keep us moving forward and providing for our community. I have an incredible team of people, and they have been true angels as they pour their hearts into helping people see the hope.
The enemy knows this. The enemy knows how passionate I am about helping the people, and how willing I am to be all that God has called me to be. Therefore, the enemy keeps attacking me.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I know there are other people out there going through the same thing. I surrender my life every day, but I also struggle every day. It’s a mental, physical, and emotional battle right now. Even though I’m working tirelessly, I feel very alone. I’m digging into scripture, I drop to my knees in prayer all the time, yet I struggle. Just as Paul describes in Romans as he wages war with his flesh. The flesh is what we are and our spirit dwells within us. It’s a real battle and I know how to fight the battle. But it doesn’t negate the fact that it’s hard.
I pray that as I reveal this inward struggle to you, I am helping someone else who is facing the same struggle. We have permission to struggle. It’s ok to admit our weaknesses, for in the surrender we invite God unto the depths of our heart. These are the times of growth and refinement. These are where we enter into a more intimate relationship with Jesus. This relationship, this spiritual battle, is critical to our eternal life. Embrace the battle. Be willing to press on. Trust that God is with us, and allow the Holy Spirit to stir, speak, nudge, and guide us. Soon, we will look back and be able to help and hold the hand of someone else, because we have endured and know that all is well with God.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” PROVERBS 3:5-6
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” EPHESIANS 6:12-13
God is with us.
Author of HOPE IN THE STRUGGLE and Layla’s Light
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